I learned from an incredibly enlightened being that gratitude is the first positive, high vibrational emotion on the scale of all emotions.  She gave me a list of emotions with anger, hate, sadness, etc.  on the lower half of the list and positive emotions on the upper part of the list.  Much like a number line the list showed all negative emotion, a neutral and then all positives were listed with Gratitude being the first emotion listed after the neutral.  I should find that list and post it, it is good information, and now while I am thinking about it I can’t remember the neutral emotion. Anyway the point she was teaching was that choosing to be grateful, to focus and allow yourself to feel the emotion of being grateful opens the door for all other high vibrational emotions.  I understand this to mean that it is a huge leap from feeling terror to feeling bliss but a very short skip from feeling happiness to feeling bliss.  How can one get out of the tunnel if they can’t even see the light? When I am in a place of depression or am trying to bring my emotions to a higher place of resonance I close my eyes and think of some things that I am grateful for and actually allow my self to linger on that happy feeling that comes with the memory of say…the way my dogs jump with joy and excitement to see me when I get home, or the feelings that come when I put my paycheck in the bank.  It feels good, peaceful to have that money to pay bills with right?  Thank god I can pay my bills.  And wow I am so grateful to have my man in my life. He is so good to me.  Like many of you my search was a long one.

So anyway I am working on bringing that feeling into my space as often as possible and will refer back to it when I remember and when I am doing well with living in the now.

Something really weird is happening to me over the past couple of days.  I have lots of painful memories from my childhood, teen years esp.  My mother was a single parent with her own history of painful experiences.  My therapist believes my mother suffers from borderline personality disorder based on the experiences I have shared with her.  It took a long while to come up with that label, we vacillated back and forth from sociopath to BPD for a while but I can definitely say that my mom has emotion.  She may not believe she has done anything wrong and therefore feels no remorse but if she does feel wrong about something she feels…boy oh boy DOES SHE FEEL.  She becomes a bit histrionic.  I remember when I was a child she would sob and sob and call me into her room to comfort her and I would be overwhelmed and frozen not knowing how to deal with all that emotion.  I’d be filled with terror of so much pain and the pressure put on me to perform some magical action that would take away her pain.  Then when I was unable to move or say anything she would insult me and tell me to go away.  I’d get out of there as fast as possible. I look back on that now and think to myself, “how does a child help an adult deal with a level of emotion that most adults can’t deal with.”  Here I am in a place of terror in need of my protector to protect me from the fear and not only is it traumatic because it is my protector who is causing the fear but then while in need of her to help me with dealing she stabs me with her words.  Humm while writing this I wonder if my issues of self-imposed pressure come from some of this? Who knows? I am sure its part of it.

So over the years I have been in therapy (for the many Jerry Springer type bs I experienced) I would open up share the experiences talk about the pain, cry, analyze, cry, forgive and evolve a little and then think I was over it only to find one day something happens and I am reminded of what ever it is and feel a new sense of loss/pain and have to go through a new level of healing.  I call this spiraling up.  As I learn a portion of the lesson things level out and then when I have strengthened another facet of the lesson is reveled.  Its like I see the same scenario through the eyes of a wiser person and see a new lesson.  I talk, I cry, I feel more pain, blah blah blah blah.  Does it ever end. I mean I went through therapy for a couple of years in my 20s and thought I had it all worked out.  Then years later here it is again effecting how I think, act, express myself, and I have more work to do. Well I notice this week with recent dealing with my mom the pain want to emerge again.  I believe I have always expressed the pain, cried, communicated etc. but yet it is still there.  I also don’t dwell on it or feed it.  So I have been receiving Acupuncture lately and what I have noticed that is different is I begin feel the pain, I begin to cry but no tears come out.  Like I have the scrunched face, the all the crying sounds and the short little intakes of breath in between the crying/the release but no tears come out. And I feel the pain in the solar plexus area trying to move up into the heart area but getting stuck like emotional constipation of something weird.  So I am thinking maybe before it can be fully released in must pass through the heart chakra and that is where it is getting stuck?? I will check it out with my therapist and acupuncturist.

My therapist is the best.  I really lucked out finding her.  She is very skilled.  I tried a handful before settling. I have had one other who was really fabulous but she moved. I am really very grateful for having her to support me, call me out on my shit, and guide me.

I am really grateful for having tomorrow off too.




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