{December 31, 2011}   OMG

My BF is the best in the whole world. Today is my birthday.  He just made me a home-made dark dark chocolate cake with raspberry filling and a gooey dark chocolate icing. I have never had a home-made cake before.  It’s soooo good.  It was his first time with this recipe and he only made one other many years past.  HE is not a chef of any sort but he is also very generous and not afraid.  I’ll tell you what I know I worked really hard to get to a place where I could not only recognize the subtle signs and red flags of both dysfunctional and super healthy people so that I could gravitate in the direction of having healthy ppl in my life.  But to also allow someone to treat me well, to realize that I am valuable, that I am loveable and I had no idea I would ever have it this good.  I did project my intentions to the universe over several years time with the main and overall intention being, “…and better than I ever thought possible…” and that’s what I have found.  I love him.  He has spent about 4 hours on it to get it done before midnight in which it would no longer be the day of my birth anv.


{December 26, 2011}   Post holiday update

Wow so much has happen since my first post.  I had a huge fight with my mother.  I wonder how much my relationship with my mother is similar to other mother daughter relationships. I know she is very different from most people and by default that makes our relationship different but most mother /daughter relationships are challenged.  I mean every adult I know says they’re parents  are very difficult to get along with.  I always think that’s funny because they act as if it is the parent who is the problem rather than the combine interactions that makes it so difficult.  Getting back to the point I have learned to shelter myself from her to protect myself.  She has a true inability to maintain a loving empathetic nature when she feels defensive.  And she feels defensive a lot because she has a great deal of insecurities and at any given moment  if she misconstrued my intent, rather than asking what my intent was she begins to run through an assortment of defense mechanisms that eventually ends most often in her becoming mean and hateful.  In the past she will then resort to calling family members and try to gain their approval or elicit them to her “side”  which results in them seeing me through her eyes.

So we had a phone conversation a few weeks ago and the call was going really well but she wanted to know why I am so guarded with the information I share with her.  Now here is my huge mistake. I believed since the conversation was going so well that maybe this time she will be able to take in the answers and show some remorse or guilt over the destructive things she did.  So I cautiously began to open up and share my pain.  I look back now and remember that I should never open up to her.  Opening up to her is like knowing there is a tornado on my front porch and choosing to crack the door open.  Anyway I reminded her of the time she helped me open a banking account and then later took the money and when I continued to ask for it back she finally responded that I don’t put money into the house and not to expect to get it back. Boom just like that.  First she said she didn’t remember that, then she said that I couldn’t have opened an account as a teenager, then after I told her that she opened it with me she said that it never happen, that I must have a skewed view on reality. So I give her another example.  How about the time we had just gotten back in touch with our cousins, who all have ties in with serious gang activity, all have served time in jail/prison, sold drugs, wanted by FBI (like serious shit) etc. And I was concerned for her financial safety because she was considering giving over a bunch of money. I had cautioned her and told her that I didn’t trust them and that I hoped she would not loan money or even jump into sharing her address until she know them better. They were virtually strangers who had a history of abusive behavior, both internal and external. Well she had tried to elicit me to taking her side about some bs with my brother and I had refused to listen or take part and next thing I know she was on the phone with my cousins telling him about it all.   I hung up the phone realized what she was going to do and called her right back to try to calm things and she was already on the phone with him, she had to click over to answer my call and she was literally seething.  When I reminded her of this having happened she said it did not.  I kept thinking, “ok if she doesn’t remember this one I’ll let it go and tell her another”  She continued to ask me to tell her why I keep a distance and between the two I figured I ‘ll give it one more try.  I think the little girl inside me wants her to be remorseful, wants her to finally realize that it is her behavior that keep us apart. Because I want my mom. I want someone in my life I can call and cry to when I’m hurt and who will hold me and comfort me. So I keep trying to get the results I need to no avail, and I should know better. So I remind her of the times she slept with my boyfriends, and her response was that I should let it go, that it was so long ago that it doesn’t matter any more, etc.  She never once acted remorseful or guilty.  In fact the very first time I shared my pain with her over those things, her only response was that I should get over it already. So when she told me to let it go I told her that she never once showed remorse, never once acted like the pain she put me through was of any importance at all. Guess how she responded??? Bet you can not possibly guess.  I’ll let you know after several guesses…I do love the guessing game.


So anyway I told her that I should have known better than to share the information and told her if she wanted to go back to the way things have been I am fine with that but that I could no longer talk. I had become very angry we had both started to yell and that was certainly not helping. So I got off the phone.

I lost my phone over this holiday while being so busy with hosting and tracked it down in my car this am feeling guilty for not contacting or being available for my family to contact me. I was ready to return calls feeling like an ass hole for not being available and when I got my phone charging and turned on I noticed that neither my mom or my brother had attempted a call.  I should have known but the behavior knock me for a loop every time.  I mean I usually contact them, I never host over the holidays and I hosted for 10-11, I was busy finishing painting cleaning and then cooking for 3 days solid, in between working hours.  I truly wold be working on 3-4 things and thinking “I have got to find my phone, I hope I haven’t missed their call, I wonder if mom is going to call me, etc” Oh well.  I refuse to allow their actions or lack there of to bring me down anymore.  I have worked on gathering a support group of friends around me, a replacement family who are good to me and are healthy ppl.  I am so grateful for them because there was a time when I had to allow the mistreatment from my family just to not be alone in the world.  Once I got healthy, learned how to handle my feelings, learned how to let others handle their own shite, learned how to look at myself with out blame or negativity and become more self-aware I was then able to begin to learn how to see behavior in ppl that was a red flag and move on to the next person.  That is that because I was raised in a dysfunction that was so selfish that it was rooted very early on that I was to allow mistreatment if I wanted love.  So I would then seek out mistreatment when I wanted love.  Jesus how messed up is that.  Well So I have been very good lately in seeing good in people.

Let me tell you about my Holiday.  It was incredible.  My bf and I hosted for his family of 4.  When I heard that his/our friend was on bed rest with her second pregnancy (they have 1 child of 3 yrs, and an adult sister with downs in the home) I knew they sere not going to be cooking Christmas dinner so I asked BF to invite them and they texted within seconds F_ _ k yeah!  That was funny.  So I got to cook for 11 people. Wow I went all out.  I never got to host for my family because my brother has always had the holiday parties, even if I wanted it didn’t happen.  (well once a long time ago) OMG if was great.  Everyone was so supportive.  They went on and on about all the food, the decorations, the work etc.  I cooked turkey and ham, several sides 3 pies appetizers etc.  It really was grand.  Having this kind of support is gives me strength to refuse bad treatment from blood. I’ll have to get back to you on whats going on with my brother and why he didn’t call me.  I am pooped out of writing.


So back to the guessing game….anyone want to guess my mothers response from paragraph 2 last few lines? Come on.

{December 6, 2011}   Hello world!

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